So, last week I messed up my playlist so I didn’t post what was played during class.
This week, we had another powerful Vinyasa class while rocking out to some oldies and newbies.
I went to my parent’s a few weekends ago. I knew it would be a tough trip. I love getting to spend time with my parents, but this was the first time I would be home since Lilly had moved.
On the drive over, I tried to stay positive. Although, I remember the last time I drove that road home. It was a drive filled with tears. Lots and lots of tears. Tears of both fear and the unknown.
I was so exhausted when I got home because I had been up since 5am, worked out, did some work, and then taught a private party all before making the 2.5 hour trip home. I thought I wouldn’t have any issue sleeping, but as I walked into my room a wave of emotions came over me.
The last time I was in that room, there was a little munchkin in that bed. She hogged the whole bed, and bossed me around about the diffuser I had plugged in. (She called it a chimney and thought it was dangerous. I had to show her that you could put your hand in the mist before she would let me leave it on and plugged in.)
I was thirsty, so I went to the kitchen and that is when I saw a picture collage my mom had put together. It was pictures of that sweet, happy little girl.. I think I finally passed out around 2:30 and slept restlessly.
The next morning, it was off to go bridesmaid dress shopping. On the drive over, I was given the sweetest necklace from some dear friends. The necklace has ‘Always in our hearts’ on it and an ‘L’. At that point, I lost myself completely. Ugly cried if you want to get right down to it.
But, that crying led to some great conversations and reminiscing about our time with her. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have been with the people I was with at that very moment. It is moments like that and friendships like those that are the reminders in all the pain.
Later that day, she came up multiple times. At the dress shop. (Where I proceeded to cry all over again.) At Hobby Lobby as we looked at Calla Lilies. At dinner talking about the wedding. At home sitting in the living room. Everywhere.
At church on Sunday, the sermon was titled “Where Have All the Lilies Gone?” I couldn’t help but say out loud ‘You have got to be kidding me!’ (My mom wasn’t too happy with my outburst, but seriously.. She was everywhere!)
Throughout the sermon, I couldn’t even focus on what was being said. The whole time I kept thinking about Lilly. What was she doing right now? I am sure they were at church. Does she know how much she is loved? I have NO doubt in my mind she is loved more than anything by her forever home! Does she think we just left her? Maybe that is a selfish thought because I want to squeeze her tight just one more time, but it is something that I ask each and every day. A million other thoughts and questions kept coming to mind, I just couldn’t stop the flow.
Ultimately, as I sat there trying to keep myself together, I realized something. Even if I never get to see her again, never get to hug her neck, never get to sing songs with her, she has forever changed my life.
I hope that one day, she knows just how special she was to us. How much we loved her and STILL love her. How much we will always be cheering for her. How much she has changed our lives.
To remain true to who I am, my class will be to Rock music. Not what you would typically find or expect for a yoga class, but this is who I am. If I am at home practicing, you can bet there is rock music blaring loudly.
I thought it would be fun to post the weekly playlist from each class.
I had my 4th Lupron shot last Thursday! I am officially on the downhill slide of the Lupron journey. Honestly, it has been a rather entertaining experience. I have had many highs and several lows, but ultimately, it is making me feel stronger.
Don’t get me wrong, these side effects can hit at the appropriate times, but honestly, who cares. For example, Easter Sunday in the middle of the sermon, I had one of my bigger hot flashes. I wanted to leave and get water I was so hot. I just softly fanned myself.
Or, how about the time I went to the dentist and right as the dentist walks up to my chair my face goes red and I start fanning myself, lifting my hair off my neck. I am positive they thought I was having a panic attack..
Nope, it’s just my new best friend Mr. Hot Flashes. 🙂
My biggest side effect to date is Eggs! Good old fashioned eggs.
Pre-Lupron I would eat 2 scrambled eggs every morning. Now, simply the thought of eggs makes me sick. My husband cooked some and I had to go to the complete opposite side of the house.
Just a few weeks ago we went to Village Inn after a night of dancing. Bad mistake. (Even though I wanted hash brown like crazy!) I ended up in the restroom saying hello to the toilet.
But, in all seriousness, if hot flashes and egg annoyance are the only things that are my biggest complaints while on this drug, I think that is pretty great.
What are some weird side effects that you have experienced while on Lupron?
I am sitting here trying to decide if I want to be in a rage over LIVE with Kelly and Michael‘s April Fool’s Joke. Was it funny? Personally, I don’t think it is very funny, but am I going to be so upset that I lash out at them? No!
People makes jokes daily that are offensive, tasteless, and uneducated. Heck, we are all guilty of it at one time or another.
Is infertility painful? HELL YES!
Does infertility suck? Yes!
Does the wonder if the your treatment is going to work keep you up at night? Of course.
Just yesterday I had a breakdown about my infertility. But, ultimately, there are hundreds of people (men and women) who don’t have any idea how hard the infertility struggle can be on an a couple.
So, instead of lashing out at someone because of their lack of education, use that time to educate them. Explain to them, in a commonsense manner why it is hard, painful, trying, exhausting, expensive, and lonely.
Just because you have the loudest voice doesn’t mean you will win the argument.
Who am I to judge Kelly for this joke? Heck, my best friend did this same joke to me long before we ever thought of having kids and getting married. At that time I didn’t take offense. True, I didn’t know I was going to struggle with infertility, but still, it was simply a joke.
We can’t live our lives with such sensitive skin. We have to find a way to live in a world that is full of millions of different opinions.
I understand that I have grown a lot over the past couple of years, and if this had happened maybe even last year, I would have been a ball on the floor hurt, crying, and not wanting to get on with my day.
Ultimately, it is up to YOU to decide how YOU will handle the peaks and valleys in your life. YOU control how you feel. Someone else doesn’t control that. Sure, they can say the words, but you can decide if they are going to define you.
My challenge to anyone suffering with infertility – Take the time to educate someone about the struggle. You would be surprised to see how many people will actually listen, care, and try to understand your struggle.
Some days are harder than others. Some days I honestly want to cry every time I see a young child or a pregnant woman. Some days I miss Lilly more than words can explain. Some days I wonder why this is happening to me.
It is these days that make what we are going through so hard. These are the days that I don’t want to tell anyone about because I want to appear strong.
But, these days do not define me.
These days are the days that make me stronger. These days are what make the good days even better. These are the days that make me a more compassionate person.
These days are the mud. And tomorrow will be the lotus.